Understandable Reasons
by standoutme
Summary: She loved Jamie in a Peyton-Lucas kind of way. At the moment, their relationship was messed up, in a Nathan-Peyton kind of way, and she missed the way they had relied on each other, in a Lucas-Haley kind of way. So they were original. Nothing like the past, yet everything like it. Lily/Jamie
1. Family

Sixteen year old Lily Roe Scott was too much like her brother in that age, at least in his opinion. The girl with the ever-long blonde hair, and intoxicating smile was deeply torn, having recently lost a parent and left her home to come live with her older brother. She hadn't really been left with much of a choice, although Andy had practically raised her as his own, he wasn't a very stable person, and he traveled a lot. So her legal guardian was now her big brother, which was rather messed up according to Lily. More messed up than that, however, was Lily that Friday night, sitting outside a house somewhere in Tree Hill. She was lost, had lost Jamie, her only friend in this place, and probably anywhere. And she was drunk, way too drunk for a sixteen year old. The kind of drunkenness that made you see double, and wonder about things you shouldn't even be thinking about.

She had called Luke a while ago, but since she had no idea where she was, it would probably take a while before he found her, which left her alone with her scary mind. She wondered about her father, her real father, Keith Scott. She wondered what her life would've been life if he hadn't died months before she was born. Perhaps her mother still wouldn't be alive, but she would've gotten to know both her parents, and still have one of them around. Maybe, if Keith hadn't been murdered, she wouldn't be as messed up as she was right now, because she had a dad who could explain somehow, why her mother wasn't around anymore. But he wasn't, and there was no one who could explain to the sixteen year old orphan that things were going to be fine, someday.

Lucas was angry, at first not looking at her as she made her way into the car, but later screaming at her, wondering what the hell she was thinking. It wasn't the Luke she remembered, the brother she knew so well. The one who had always understood her. He was trying to be someone else, not the guy who had been just like her, the crazy, torn guy who had gotten a tattoo in his drunkenness. "I need my brother," she mumbled, interrupting his yelling. Just like that, he was quiet. Probably thinking about who was right, how he was supposed to answer to that. "You need a parent," he said, quietly, knowing that whatever he said would be the wrong thing to say. He didn't have any parents left either, but it was worse for her, who hadn't found herself yet. "Yeah, well I don't have those, and you don't qualify, big brother." The rest of the car ride was quiet, too quiet. She had only lived with Luke, Peyton and Sawyer for a couple of months, but she had always been close with her brother. Now, however, things were difficult, everything was.

They didn't speak more that night, lying down on her bed, Lily's eyes filled with tears, perhaps for stupid reasons, but maybe also for understandable ones. Pulling her phone out of her pocket she began texting the only person who seemed to understand her now a days. "Rivercourt?" It was weird how they were related, she and Jamie, she didn't have words for it, but just like her own brother also was her cousin, Nathan was her cousin, and Jamie was Nathan's son. Lily was the odd one, the one born in the wrong generation, the one who was oddly related to everyone. Luke was usually the best brother anyone could imagine, and his daughter Sawyer had always been like a sister to Lily. Nathan was her cousin, and there wasn't really anything weird about that, except for Jamie. Because of the fact that they were born on the same day, and because they had always been close, he should be like a brother to her. He wasn't though, he was her best friend. Maybe even more than that. The girl had no idea what to make of that. But the odd joy and safety she felt as he answered her text with a simple 'Sure', wasn't something she even dared thinking too deeply of, because she suspected it was something that might hurt the already broken girl even more.

Sneaking out for the second time that night, the drunk girl barely realized that she was sneaking out. Going to the rivercourt to meet up with Jamie had become the most natural thing for her, over the last couple of months, and as she saw him there, already shooting hoops, she felt at home. The boy was very tall for his age, not much like Lily who was barely 5'6". "Hello Miss Roe," the boy said, smiling at her, but quickly changing his facial expression as he saw hers. she had been crying, again. "Hey, what's wrong?" he asked, as he pulled her into a tight hug. He knew what was wrong, that was an easy one, the same thing that always was wrong. Her mother had died, and Luke was acting all weird. She would always say the same things, and for once, she simply shook her head and kept quiet about it. The truth was that she was pretty sure that whatever she said would come out totally wrong, and for that, she blamed the alcohol. "Thanks," she mumbled quietly, crying into his t-shirt, not letting go of him. Times like this, she was more than thankful for having Jamie around and not living on the other side of the world, like she had used to. "For what, getting you drunk?" he asked her, in an attempt to lighten up her mood. "No, that's my fault," she said, finally letting go of him and taking the basketball from his hands so that she wouldn't get stuck looking at him. Shooting for the basket, she missed, for the first time in years, she missed. But on the other hand, she hadn't played basketball drunk before, and it had been a long time since she had played sober too.

"Uncle Lucas is going to wonder where you are if you don't get back soon," Jamie said, truthfully so, but it made her feel bad again, like so many other things did. Her brother was only trying to take care of her, but he didn't seem to realize that she didn't need that. "Please don't call him that, it sounds so old. I feel old," she sighed, passing him the ball. "Oh please, we were born on the same day," he answered, flashing her that incredible smile of his. His statement made her feel better, their birthday was one of the many things they had in common. But there were things that separated them too, like the fact that he had actually liked Dan Scott, the man who had killed her father. The man who, thankfully, wasn't alive anymore, but whom she truly loathed. They didn't talk about that kind of stuff, simply because they didn't want to argue. They never did, which was one of the other things she liked about him. It was a security, she would always have Jamie to rely on, when she fought with others. "Follow me home?" she asked, understanding Jamie had been right about Luke, he was going to worry, and he was going to get even angrier. "Of course," the boy stated, and as they started walking she took his hand and simply lived. It was odd how a great day could turn into a horrible one, and then back to a great one, so quickly. And she knew that whatever she was feeling, he had to be feeling too, even under these odd circumstances.

As she went to bed for the second time that night, Lily thought of Jamie, and how he always took care of her. And all of the sudden, something that usually made her so happy, was yet another reason for her to be miserable. Above all the horrible things that had happened to her, she was falling for her best friend. Only that was an impossible situation, but to bring in all of the seriously strange family-bonds made it all seem even more impossible. Even if there was a slight chance that he might feel something for her too, it would never work out. And that was the way Lily Roe Scott was. She was the girl who never got what she wanted, even if it was such a common thing as having parents at sixteen.


	2. Reminders

Smoke - that was what had set the alarm-clock off in her head and woken her up. As it did, panic started spreading through her veins she had always been deadly scared of fire, perhaps because of some childhood-happening that she didn't remember. But since the car-accident, which had killed her mother, her fear of fire hadn't exactly worn off, it had gotten even worse. In combination of thinking about the day Karen had died, and the smoke, the girl flung herself out of bed and felt the tears run down her cheeks, as she pushed the door open and entered the kitchen. Such a ridiculous thing as Peyton burning the food in the oven wasn't something that ordinarily caused panic in their household, but many things had changed over the last couple of months. "WHAT are you doing?!" Lily screamed out to her sister-in-law, before rushing back into her room, which she had heard once had belonged to her brother, and shut the door closed. Suddenly she found herself with an awful headache, probably one she had deserved after the last night. Calming down, she allowed herself to think again, and thinking of that night five months ago wasn't something very comforting. Her mother had been living in this house for years, a long time before she had Lily, but this had been her home. To Lily, it was hard to understand, even though she imagined it should be easy since she had already lost a parent. Since Lily had never met Keith, she hadn't really known what it was like to lose a parent, and somehow, most of the time it felt as if Karen was simply out travelling with Andy, and in moments like these, Lily realized that she wasn't. Karen was never going to hold her again, tell her about her father or even see her daughter graduate.

Putting on her shoes and going out her private door, she imagined how it had been when Lucas had done so, years ago, and how her mother must had been wondering where he was most of the time. Lily was aware of the fact that Lucas had been the good kid, but since they hadn't lived at home together it really wasn't comparable for Lily, in a way she was an only child, even though she had a brother to rely on. In Lily's momentarily sadness, there was only one place to go. The one place she knew her mother had put her heart and soul into. This time, it actually had nothing to do with the fact that Jamie worked weekends at Karen's Cafe , it was the fact that it was Karen's cafe , that drew her there. Lily remembered even though it was many years ago, how happy her mother had been when Haley had told her that she had re-opened the cafe , that it looked the same. In this moment, Lily could empower herself with the memory of her mother's smile, with touching the door-frame of the place that had been everything to Karen. Lily had been to the cafe many times, but imagining her mother there, made it a magical place. It was as if she still was there, it felt a bit like it had to dream of Keith, her subconscious making up a picture of how her life could have been. Considering how people spoke of Keith, like he was the kindest person ever, made Lily feel truly bad about never having met her dad. But having experienced losing her parents, she knew that having known her mother and then losing her was a hell of a lot harder to go through than the fact that she had never met her dad. Perhaps she would change her opinion, after all, she was definitely not wishing that she had never met her mom, no, she cherished her memories of her.

"Lily!" An extremely familiar voice woke her up from her day-dreaming. Jamie could always tell when something was wrong, she was quite obvious, but she could never take him for granted, and the way he knew her better than anyone. Once again wrapped in his long arms, Lily felt safe, the urge to cry was way stronger, but somehow she restrained herself from that. She felt the need to explain it all to him, how horrible memories had haunted her with the smell of the smoke, how she had felt the wave that came with the explosion of the wreck, how she had literally felt herself being flung meters back again, how she had been pulled away from her mother, not being allowed to help her. She couldn't, bringing herself to explaining it would be like experiencing it all again, and she wouldn't do that. Even though she had never explained it to him, Jamie seemed to understand perfectly. He had been through a lot, he still had both his parents, but Lily's best friend had lived through many tragedies. The closeness between then was enough for the short girl to listen to his heartbeats, suddenly feeling an extreme fear of the bouncing to stop. "What's wrong?" Another voice pulled her back to reality, Haley. The girl pulled herself together and let go of the boy, shaking her head at the best friend of her brother. Lily had always trusted Haley, she was probably the kindest person she knew, like Keith had been to Haley. "I'm fine, just.. reminded," she said, quietly, this being the first thing she had said since arriving at the cafe what felt like minutes ago. "oh honey, does Lucas know you're here?" the woman asked, pulling in the girl for a hug. As Lily shook her head, guilt hit her again. Lucas had also lost his mom, and she kept reminding him of it, taking him for granted. In a way, she didn't want to act like the teenager she was, but she simply couldn't stop it. The selfishness, stupidity and way too strong feelings. Haley let go of her, looking at the girl with sad eyes. "You should talk to him," she said, before leaving them again.

"I should go," she said under her breath, not really daring to look the boy in the eyes. She could see, however, in the corner of her eye, that he was shaking his head. "Stay, hot chocolate's on the house." His smile was irresistible, and just like that, she was sitting by the desk, drinking hot chocolate, looking into his incredibly blue eyes. "Thanks," she whispered, lowering her gaze to the counter, wondering what was on his mind. "For what, Lils?" She was aware of the smirk on his lips, without even having to look at him. "For saving me," she mumbled, knowing that was what Peyton had said to Lucas thousands of times. It seemed right anyways, that was what he kept doing when he knew she wasn't feeling good. That was what he did when he agreed to coming to the rivercourt at 3:am, even though he had to get up for work the day after. He was, unaware of it, saving her over and over again. Lily had no idea how she would've survived without him around. Realizing the silence, she looked up to face him, simply looking at her with eyes filled partially with confusion and partially with understanding. She hadn't seen that look before, and once again, the girl wondered what he was thinking. Did he understand? Usually, he understood many things, but she wondered if he would ever be able to understand this. What he meant to her. "I should go," she said, pulling herself back to reality once again, standing up from the stool. Before she could leave, he grabbed her wrist, looking into her eyes once again. "Call me if you need me, kay?" Lily simply nodded, suddenly feeling even worse, before leaving the cafe . Least to say, Lily was a girl with many problems.


	3. Reminiscing

**A/N: **Hope you guys like this one, it's actually the first chapter in this story that I wrote quite effortlessly. I've been having some troubles with this story, but I feel like it's finally going somewhere. Reviews are what keeps me going, so please let me know what you think!

* * *

It was May, and the late Saturday night was bright, in the summer it didn't seem to ever get dark in Tree Hill. Lily Roe Scott enjoyed it however, darkness did scare her, as did many other things. Though this night, the blonde truly did try to be strong, not to think of the memories that had come to her that same morning. She needed to get past her mother's death, she simply had no idea how to. Perhaps her brother was the right person to talk to, as Haley had suggested, but Lily didn't know how to do that either. She hadn't been able to have a conversation with her brother since last night when they had that huge fight about everything. It was truly hard for her, though her brother had almost been a father during her entire life, he had still been her brother. The one who didn't have to be responsible, the one who bugged her about boys and told her stories about himself, and her father.

He didn't do that anymore, he didn't understand her either. It had struck her that Lucas might feel responsible in some way, in debt to their mother, to take care of his sister. But the horrible truth was that her mother wasn't alive anymore, and Lily was, and she needed him to think of what she needed. Lily was more than grateful for getting to stay with him and Peyton, but she had expected it to be like it had been a couple of years ago, staying over the summer. Luke had never been like this back then.

A weak knock on her door woke her up from her daydreaming, and she quickly rose from her bed to open it. The girl was actually a little bit surprised to see Jamie standing there, but then again, who else would come by at night knocking on her door? She didn't have many friends around Tree Hill. "Mr James," she said with a vague smile on her lips, a bit afraid to show him exactly how happy she was that he came over. "Afraid to use the front door, are we?" She continued, catching a glimpse of what their friendship used to be before tragedy stuck their lives. The boy let out a beautiful laugh, shaking his head. "Well Miss Roe, you never know what uncle Lucas might do to late night visitors," he said, once again calling her brother uncle, which did bother her a bit.

Lily remembered when they were kids and she had unsuccessfully tried getting him to call her Auntie Lily, how she would hate it if he called her that now. Over the years they had given each other many different nick-names, but the ones that had stuck were Miss Roe and Mr James. Calling each other by last names hadn't worked, since they had the same one, so they went by their middle names suitably being their mother's maiden names. "I just came by to see how you were doing," the boy soon added, bringing his rare seriousness into the conversation. She nodded quietly, accepting that, since she understood what that morning must had looked like to him. She had been completely out of it after Peyton burning that food. "I'm sorry about that," she honestly announced. Perhaps it was wrong, annoying, or whatever, but he seemed to be the only one she could turn to.

"Don't be, you know I'm here, Lils. You seem to be feeling better?" He said, not seeming sure if he was making an statement or asking her a question. The girl simply nodded, somehow she had gotten the previous events out of her mind for a shorter time. "Well, a girl can't help but smile when the infamous James Lucas Scott is around." Grinning, the boy let himself in, unknowing of how much truth there was in her statement. Lily found herself a bit struck by his silence, it seemed off, Jamie was rarely quiet. Perhaps he was the one struck. Lily really didn't know, and she didn't know whether she liked it or not. She wanted to know what he was thinking.

"So, what do you say about a good old movie night?" He asked, when finally breaking the silence, once again making the girl smile when thinking about their childhood movie nights. They had spent many nights watching the Harry Potter movies, not falling asleep until early in the morning. Of course these sleepovers were arranged at Lucas' house, since Haley would never let the two of them stay up after 11 clock. "Harry Potter?" Lily asked, bringing herself back to reality. Jamie nodded, as he started to look for the movies in her big collection of DVD:s. Once having found them he put them on her bed looking up at her again. "I'll go announce my presence to Luke, and get us some popcorn?" he said, once again somewhere between a question and a statement. Secretly, she loved it when he did that.

* * *

As the boy left, she could her their conversation out in the kitchen. Jamie was about as close to Luke as Lily was, it was nice to hear the old Lucas for once, even though he wouldn't let Lily meet him, he was himself around James. After a while of reminiscing about old times, happy memories, Lily noticed her best friend returning to her room with a bowl of popcorn in his hands and a big smile on his lips. They spent the rest of the night watching the first four Harry Potter movies, throwing popcorn at each other. He was well aware of how he could make her smile, even with all this stuff going on with her, and he was happy to do that. Lily was more than glad she had her best friend around.

She had managed to convince him that things weren't different from when they were kids and shared her big bed when they finally grew tired, around 5 clock in the morning, she had convinced him it wasn't inappropriate. It didn't seem inappropriate she needed her best friend holding her. But the girl couldn't fall asleep, she simply lay on her bed, looking into his also awaken eyes for what felt like hours before she did what her mind had told her to do for a very long time. Leaning in, letting her lips gently touch his. At first, it seemed like the boy who had been with many girls, went with his instincts, deepening into the kiss, but then he abruptly pulled away.

"We can't do this, Lily," he said, firmly, before leaving the girl dark-minded and wet-eyed. And there she sat until the sun rose, with her arms around her legs, face buried in her knees, folding herself together to become as small as she actually felt. She had nothing, she thought, as she whimpered quietly. She had done this to herself, ruining her entire life, pushing away the people who loved her. The people who actually cared for her. She began to wonder where the Lily with the eased mind had gone, the Lily who always smiled and didn't think of complications. Lily thought that if she missed that version of herself, her family had to miss that person too. Maybe that was why they were acting strangely, because she wasn't the same person she had been six months ago. She would never be that person again, no matter how much that fact hurt her.

The Sunday passed quickly, Lily being buried in her thoughts, not noticing the many times her niece came running in and out her room, trying to figure out was wrong, informing her Aunt about breakfast, lunch and dinner. Lily didn't move, not until late that night she left her bed, when the rest of the family had gone to bed, she brought herself to get up and use the bathroom, washing her face for minutes, facing that reddish, broken face of hers in the mirror. Once again she needed to bring herself back, like she had done before ruining it all with Jamie.


	4. Carrying

**A/N: **As I do realize my chapters are getting shorter and worse by the day, I am currently writing three fics at the same time :P

Please do tell me if it's horrible, and I'll try to get it better for the next chapter. Thanks for reading!

* * *

Going to school was a nightmare. Truly a nightmare coming true, which was rather ironical considering what the girl had gone through in her still very short lifetime. But Monday morning was a fact, and Lily Roe Scott did get up to take a shower at 6:am, trying to wash of her fear, regrets. She already knew it would be horrible, embarrassing She hated high school, not more than anything, cause there were many things she hated more than that, but she did hate high school. Thinking that made her sound like a typical teenager, and supposedly, sometimes the girl could be just that. Those were the easy days, when the thing she worried of the most was facing the boy she had kissed. But that problem on its own, was just a part of the big, awful story which was Lily's life.

For once thinking of what she was wearing, the girl put on a pair of tight jeans and a big knitted shirt to hide beneath. After doing her make-up, she left her room and entered the kitchen. They were such a perfect family; Lucas, Peyton and Sawyer. Seeing them at the table, laughing at something Sawyer just said, made her feel like she was intruding on their lives. "Wow, she's up," Lucas said, making an obvious comment about her very quiet Sunday. Even though it wasn't a very nice thing to say, it gave Lily some relief, feeling that a part of old Lucas was back. Nodding, she went to the fridge and took an apple, sitting down at the table.

"What's going on Lily?" Peyton spoke, the woman had lost both of her moms, and Lily had always thought that she would understand, if anyone. Perhaps that was the case, she knew that after all that time, she couldn't possibly spend the entire day cradled on her bed because Karen was gone. Peyton knew there was something else to it, however, Lily wasn't planning on ever telling them the whole story, so she simply shook her head, saying it was nothing. Somehow, both adults seemed to accept that, Sawyer however, was a besserwisser to the extreme. "That was not nothing, Lily.." the girl began, her dad stopping her mid-sentence. "You should go get dressed, honey," he said to the twelve year old, still wearing her pajamas.

Surprisingly, the girl listened to her father, immediately getting up from her chair going to her room, which resulted in both Peyton and Lucas staring at her, obviously wanting some kind of explanation. "You're great with her, Luke," she said, quickly, referring to his daughter. "She's right though, something is wrong," Peyton said, making Lily understand that they didn't shut Sawyer up to keep Lily from talking about it, but to keep Sawyer from hearing it. "I had a fight with Jamie, that's all," Lily said, shaking her head. "You guys never fight," Lucas stated, looking slightly shocked at his sister's announcement. "Yeah, now we do. Could you give me a ride to school?" Throwing the subject out of the way, the girl rose from the table, preparing herself mentally for high school.

* * *

It was just what she had expected, except for how it was worse in her head. Jamie hadn't looked at her all day, leaving her all alone with her thoughts. Thoughts that made her believe he would never look at her the way he had actually believing their friendship was over. Making her plan how she would get out of Tree Hill as soon as she turned eighteen. She would, the girl decided, she would leave. She would go to Australia, get herself an apartment. Leave him behind, leave all of this behind. That was what would be best for her. Thinking of leaving eventually made her feel like she was running away from her life.

No matter how much time she had spent away from there, Tree Hill had always been her home. It was where her father had grown up, her mother, her brother. Although Lily was raised all over the world, Tree Hill was where her family would always be. It was where her parents were buried, where she had been born. Where Jamie was. It was all a little bit saddening, but also a very beautiful truth. Tree Hill was her home, the only home she would ever have, no matter how miserable she might be at the moment.

Not knowing that things could get worse, they did. Walking though the halls, she met Jamie, cheerleader Maddie on his arm, perhaps it wasn't something unusual, but it made Lily furious, and devastated at the same time. It was as if he was doing that, holding another girl around the waist, because he could, to bug her. To show her how he could be totally happy without her, as she was all alone, walking through the halls, not being dedicated one look from James Lucas Scott. Her brother had told her of him and Nathan, when he had first joined the Ravens. It made her sick seeing Jamie like his dad had been once, it made her hate him.

It was easier that way, being angry at him. It didn't make her want to cry, it didn't make her want to beg him to forgive her. It made her feel better about herself, even though being all alone for the first time since the day she begun at Tree Hill High. Hating the boy she loved was the easy way out, and that was the plan she was going with, ignoring him like he was ignoring her. Taking the easy way out was the best option for the girl who had been forced to go up many hills.

Going back home that afternoon, she had the weight of the world on her shoulders, trying forcefully to push it away, watching her life pass, minute by minute, waiting for the day, hour or minute it would get better. Waiting for something that could make her smile, something other than him. She needed that, a smile. One thing she was sure of, she was getting that, no matter what it took. She would be happy, somehow, without him. Deciding that, she tried figuring out how to go on like she had, but without him. She could talk to people, at school. She could go to parties, couldn't she? Without him. Knowing she could make things better by trying, she managed lifting some of that weight before getting back home to a family, a perfect one. One that actually did care for her, even if it wasn't near the family she wanted, the family she was supposed to have.


	5. Responding

**A/N: **Introducing a determined Jamie and (drumroll!) Chuck Scolnik. I just realized this story needs some Chuck, and perhaps it's season 9's fault, but I imagine him a lot like Chris Keller.

Tell me what you think!

* * *

She didn't speak to him again, Jamie that would be, until that party two weeks later, the one that Lily very determinedly had gone to, to prove that she had a life of her own. Honestly, they hadn't done much talking then either. It was simply a very drunk James, telling her they needed to talk, pulling her with him into the bathroom and showing his unverified responding feelings towards her by pushing her up against the wall, kissing her. Slapping her late best friend, Lily had absolutely no idea what was really going on, but as far as she was concerned, she was still angry with him. "Fuck off, James," she said, pronouncing his first name with repulsion in her voice, before leaving him confused in the bathroom. That was definitely not what the girl considered a conversation, and absolutely not a good one.

He had been ignoring her for weeks, hating on her for that one innocent kiss weeks ago, and then he pulled that stunt? There was no confusion that Jamie had always been a dick, she had simply never thought that he would treat her like that. Not after what she had been through, after what he had helped her through. No matter who the boy was to the rest of the high school, he had promised her that he would be there for her no matter what, and he had broken that promise. Hurting her more than what she had thought been possible, by doing so. Clearly she was of no value to him anymore, and honestly she didn't know how she had been. She could barely remember two weeks ago when he had told her to call him if she needed him, whatever the problem was. That sure didn't seem like the same Jamie she knew now.

Leaving the party, the girl started walking home, to a place that had become much safer since what had happened between her and Jamie. Her brother seemed to understand her a bit, at least noticing she needed his support now that she didn't have Jamie's. Nathan and Lucas had fought too, over things they didn't really know of. The two brother truly had no idea what was going on, and Lily was extremely thankful for that, but she didn't like them fighting. She had always liked Nathan and Haley, and she knew what they both meant to Lucas. It felt, somehow, as if she was causing this big thing messing up their family even worse. Perhaps it was all her fault, but Jamie was big part of the problem.

"Lils!" Sighing as she heard the screaming voice behind her, she realized he had followed her. He had seriously left the party to follow a girl who currently loathed him. "Oh you leave me alone, James Lucas Scott," she said, voice loud, determined, as she kept walking away from him, who obviously had an advantage with those very long basketball-legs of his. "Lily, stop. Give me a chance." She didn't know it was possible to get even angrier, but somehow it was, and it happened as he spoke those words. The boy was asking her to give him a chance, that was absurd. All she had ever done was giving him chances, he was the one who should've given her a chance. He knew she was hurting, and he left her. He left her angry.

* * *

"Give you a chance?! Who the hell do you think you are? You've had your chances, Scott," she said, finally stopping to turn around to face him. He was drunk, she could tell by the way he stumbled across the streets. "Lils... I miss you," he said, obviously changing his execution. The girl felt her eyes tearing up as she shook her head, trying as hard as she could to keep angry and not evolve back to being miserable, devastated. "Well, you should've thought about that before you completely left me in the lurch and went after that cheerleader," she said, turning her heels again, continuing her long walk home. The anger was a lot easier than the sorrow, and she couldn't possibly let him change her, make her sad again. She would not be okay with that, he was the one who had started this fight.

"Jealous, are we?" he said, mockingly, immediately lighting that spark of anger inside her again. What right had he to make these assumptions about her? She wasn't his best friend anymore, and he definitely wasn't hers. "Oh I'm not jealous, last time I checked, you were the desperate one!" Turning around for the second time, the girl was caught off guard by the vodka-tasting boy kissing her again, this time softly, not as aggressively as last time. Pulling away again, she lifted her hand to hit him over the nose, but was stopped by him grabbing her wrist. At least the alcohol didn't inflict on his quick reactions.

"Lils, don't you get it? I was trying to make you jealous," he said, voice suddenly sounding so.. harmless, so Jamie, again. The angry wall she had built couldn't stand that, his Jamie side. It definitely couldn't stand the way his piercing blue eyes looked into hers, which such intensiveness. Giving in, the girl who wasn't very sober herself, let herself fall for him again, even though some subconscious voice inside her told her not to. Told her that he was still the popular idiot who had ignored her for weeks, hurting her, well aware of doing so. But she couldn't stand it, she couldn't keep her feelings locked away as he stood there, practically telling her he felt the same way.

As a car pulled up and stopped right in front of them, Lily could literally feel her heart stop. Pulling away from the boy as fast as she could, she started imagining the worst case scenario. It could be anyone, it could be Lucas, out looking for her. Tree Hill was such a small town, and even if there was no one related to her in that car, her brother would surely know of this in a matter of days. It was partially a relief, and partially a pain in the ass, when Chuck Scolnik got out of the car with an irritating smirk on his lips. "So THIS is what has been going on with the two of you. I can totally see why there's... tension." He was practically laughing at his discovery.

"Shut up man," Jamie said, leaving her without a word, getting in the passenger seat of the car. Chuck, however, who was both human and sober, in oppose to the other male present, looked at the girl, with something comparable to compassion. "You need a ride?" he asked, not looking away for a second. Answering by shaking her head violently, the girl went back to her long walk home. She was not getting in a car with him, not with neither of them, really. Oh she had a lot to think about, she could use the walk. Silently regretting her decision as the car left without her, she kept walking through the darkness, wondering if what had just happened was real or some drunken hallucination.


	6. Forgiving

**A/N: **Brought back Lucas for this chapter, I thought it was time for that. Hope you like this, let me know! xx

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"Where have you been?" Her brother was sitting up, waiting for her to come home like some sneaky night guard. After jumping in shock, the girl finally calmed down. It had been an eventful night, least to say, and she was glad to finally be home, despite Lucas' odd behavior "I was at a party. Ravens' victory party, please don't tell me you've never been to one of those?" Lily said, slightly annoyed as she sat down in the chair across the table from him. "Look, I'm not gonna stop you from going out. But you have to tell me where you are, and when you leave. Call me paranoid, but things can actually happen," he kept going, and it was understandable that he would be paranoid.

Both of them had gone through a lot, him probably more than her. But she couldn't help to think that this was tree hill, and no matter the fact that both Jamie and Nathan had been kidnapped in this tiny town, and her own father had been murdered, she couldn't help to think of it as harmless. Many things had happened here, but she hadn't been around for most of them - it had been a long time ago. Lucas, however, had been there for most horrible things that had happened around Tree Hill, and he was paranoid after kidnappings, and Peyton getting shot, Keith. When he told her about those things, it seemed as if it wasn't real. As if it was a book he was writing on, fiction. Somehow she thought it couldn't be real, although she knew it was.

"Sure, I'll tell you next time," Lily replied, a bit surprised by his actions. At least this time, he wasn't angry. Peyton had probably talked to him, although Lily hadn't talked a lot to Peyton herself, she knew her sister-in-law was helping her out a lot when it came to Lucas. Peyton was a very patient woman. "You don't need to worry about me, Luke. I'll be fine," she said, as convincingly as she could. She knew she would feel better, someday, hopefully soon. It was better already, as she wasn't crying over Jamie again. She was actually quite annoyed with him, obviously, she had realized she couldn't hate him anymore, but he sure as hell hadn't had the right to do what he did at the party. Not after ignoring her for so long.

Nodding, Lucas stood up. "You hungry?" he asked, surprising his sister even more. "No, I'm fine. I'll just go to bed," she answered, standing up herself, to hug her brother before leaving for her room. "And Luke, thanks. It's nice to have you back," she said, with a vague smile, before closing her door and throwing herself on her bed, staring at the roof. She wasn't sure what she wanted anymore. She had focused way too much on smaller things, things intruding on her life. Would she even be able to forgive Jamie? She knew she needed to, she knew she couldn't possibly stand losing him for good, even though she might deserve better than him. It was a truly hard decision to make, even though she didn't even know whether he had simply kissed her because he was drunk or because he really meant it.

Considering how many people she had lost, and how long she had known Jamie, how he had been the only one who truly knew her, she couldn't lose him. She wanted to, partially, she had felt better hating him than she had being sad over him, but if there was a solution to it all, she had to go for it. She needed him, even if all she could have was Jamie, her best friend. Hell, she even needed him if all she could get was James Lucas Scott, the jerk of a guy who didn't really care. She would be happy with either, maybe not as happy with the person he had become over the last couple of years. But she knew he was still in there, the way he had been there for her when she lost her mother and moved to Tree Hill, he was there for anything.

* * *

Slowly falling asleep, the girl dreamt of her parents, both of them. She dreamt of how it was all supposed to be, how they could've been a family, a beautiful one. As she awoke with vague memories of Keith being the one waiting for her to come home from a party, she realized that a happy dream had made her sad, again. She realized how she was truly jealous of her brother, having grown up with the both of them around. Sure, Keith wasn't Lucas real dad, just like Andy wasn't hers. But it wasn't the same thing. Lily didn't consider it the same. Lucas had grown up with Keith, and Karen. Sure, Lily had grown up with Karen, but she had lost her at sixteen. It wasn't fair.

The girl got up from the bed as she heard a constant, vague knocking on the entrance door which led to her room, and realized she was still in the clothes she had worn when she got home from the party yesterday. It was quite easy figuring out who was knocking, seeing to the fact that there was only one person who used that door, except herself, that was. "What is your problem with the front door?" she asked, as she opened the door, facing a tired, yet hot as always, Jamie Scott. He looked incredibly hungover, which he deserved after the day before.

"Um.. I just wanted to talk to you without.. Sawyer stalking me all day.." He sounded questioning, unsure of himself, not acting at all like he had acted yesterday. It had probably been the alcohol, giving him confidence to even think of doing what he had done. The odd part was how he could be so disgustingly confident in school, because he surely wasn't drunk every school day. "Oh, you mean talking like we did yesterday? In the bathroom? Yeah, well, that's not a conversation I think is necessary to repeat," the girl was struck by the confidence which she suddenly found within herself. Perhaps she was still angry, or maybe it was how he came to her this time, being unsure of himself.

"Look, Lils, I'm sorry about that. I am, but.. I meant it. I don't think I've ever lied to you. I'm sorry I've been an arse the last couple of weeks. But I'm here for you, no matter what. And I kinda, you know, had to think about all of it. This isn't normal, you know?" He was rambling, it was actually pretty cute, how he tried to explain it all, and failed miserably. She didn't think she had ever seen him this nervous before, it was odd for someone like him, someone who always seemed to know what he was doing.

"Okay," she nodded, getting out of the way, to let him in the room. "So, is that what you came here for? To apologize?" she asked, smiling vaguely at the sight of a quiet Jamie. "Yeah, that's.. practically it. And I kinda felt like kissing you when I was sober," he said, leaning in to kiss her. She didn't stop him this time, she didn't slap him or try to punch him. She gave in, like she had those very few seconds on the street yesterday, and it felt great. Abnormal, as he had said, but right.

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**A/N: **Finally giving the two of them a break. Please review! :))


	7. Frightening

**A/N: **Sorry about the wait for the update.. cause I think it's been a couple of days :P Took a reviewers advice and made a Jamie centered chapter, mostly so you would understand how I've tried to explain him, from her point of view. However, here's Jamie. Please review!

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_Jamie's POV_

He had always loved the girl, maybe not in the way he did now, but in one way. He had no idea when it all had changed, but when she came back that autumn without any parents, without any hope, he had felt the need to give her that - hope. He had wondered for a long time what had been going on between the two of them lately. The changes hadn't been outstanding, and it had only been natural for the two of them to stay in each other's embraces a bit longer, linger in the other's gaze. It had been natural to spend almost every awake moment with each other, like they had before, but in another way. Sometimes they didn't even have to talk. Since she had moved to Tree Hill, they hadn't even needed to talk. Spending time together, they would sometimes simply sit there, in the cafe, in her room, in the huge Scott Manor his family lived him, enjoying each other's company. As he thought about it, everything had changed, slowly, gradually, enormously. The way they acted around each other had become natural, but thinking about it, he figured they had been acting like this for months now, and he had been the one blaming her for acting on it.

Lily and Jamie never thought, well they did, but it was on very rare occasions. Disregarding the time when they were children, they hadn't been fighting more than a couple of times. Jamie thought it depended on how they didn't want to, didn't need to. They stayed away from fighting by letting the other one have their way. He could only remember two fights with Lily after the age of 12. The first one had been about Dan, his grandfather. It had been an inevitable fight, and it was a subject the both of them stayed away from after that. It had been unbearable and they had never found a solution to their argumentation. He had loved Dan, and she thought he deserved what he had got, in fact, he should've died a long time ago. She had never known Dan Scott, but she would never forgive him for murdering her father. Jamie thought otherwise, he kept saying that if it weren't for Dan, he would be living with that crazy nanny, and Nathan would be dead.

The second fight was the one that had begun with her kissing him, a couple of weeks ago. It hadn't been much of a fight really, they had simply ignored each other, and the yelling and hitting hadn't turned up until right before they made up. Right before he had figured it all out. He had started suspecting all of it days before that, suspect, but not daring to expect. She had turned up in the cafe, all shaken up, one morning, crying, staring at the cafe as if it was all she had left of her mother. They had talked, he had held her hand and told her that he would be there for her no matter what. Then she told him that he was always saving her, she practically quoted Peyton on her feelings towards Lucas. It had hit him, what she said, like a wave of... fright really. He had been surprised, sure, suspicious of what she actually meant with what she was saying. Mostly though, he had been scared. He had been afraid of what she had said, afraid of what she might feel. Afraid of ever admitting to anyone, especially himself, what he was feeling. So he had just sat there, stared at her with a mixture of disbelief and shock, frightfulness, without the courage to find any words for her.

It had happened again, that mixture of feelings. Two times again, after that. Firstly that night when she had kissed him, but hours before that happened. She had made some comment about his influence on girls. He didn't really remember what she had said, but it was some kind of ironic sentence, referring to him actually influencing her in some way. It was strange, how someone like her could scare him so damn easily. The last time it had happened, was when they had, after hours of watching Harry Potter, gone to bed. Both unable to sleep, simply looking into each others eyes as they lay on her bed. To him it was like all those months she had been living there, the way they naturally had changed. The way they didn't need to talk, they could just lay there in silence, looking at each other. She had broken that, she had kissed him, and for a moment he had felt like it was exactly what he had been thinking too. Then he had realized it wasn't, that she scared him more than ever. He figured they weren't supposed to be in any way, and she was way too depressed to even think correctly.

He had left, remembering it he couldn't decide if that was a decision he regretted, or not. He did regret how lonely she had been those weeks, how lonely he was, when she was completely giving him the silent treatment, ignoring him in the exact same way he ignored her. It was striking, how she could do the exact same thing. It had reminded him of her strength of how she couldn't possibly be corrupted by the extreme grief she felt. It reminded him of how he had felt the exact same way, and that she had been the brave one, and he had been weak, frightened. After those events, Jamie wasn't sure if their strange relationship had been progressing or not. He had acted like a douche, again, while drunk, mostly because he didn't have the guts to do anything sober. It was weird how they had been able to push everything aside for two days, since that party.

He had never thought that he would be able to not consider consequences sure, he had been that way once. And even though people thought he was the same, he had changed. At least to himself. People didn't really know him. Lily knew him. She was the only one who knew him, and he didn't even have to tell her. They could just sit quietly, staring at each other, and she knew him better than anyone. She was also the only person he spoke to, cause they didn't sit quiet all the time. He was sure she didn't go off telling Lucas how she felt about all of this, their mother's death. But she told him, she told Jamie about all of it, in the way he told her about everything. The way he acted around her, the way he told her he would be there for her. It wasn't the James Lucas Scott everybody else knew. It was the one only she knew. The same boy who had climbed up the apple tree for her, at seven, because she didn't want to ruin her dress. To Lily, he had been that same boy, up until the day he walked out on her. The day he broke every promise he had ever made by leaving her because he was scared. He did hate himself for that.

But somehow, they were there again, the two of them, sitting silently on his couch, thinking, looking at each other. Looking into her deep green, brownish eyes was the reason he had even got to thinking about how it all had begun. How the two of them had gone from best friends to something completely different, without barely noticing it for themselves. It was strange, but he couldn't help but to think it was a good kind of strange. It had to be, seeing how perfectly comfortable they were, just sitting there, silently, somehow wrapped around each other Her legs thrown across his, fingers entangled. To anyone else, it looked as if nothing had changed during the last couple of weeks. As if he was her best friend, comforting a broken girl. Perhaps that was partially the case, but it was different. Wherever their skin met, it wasn't simply comforting, carefree. It was burning, tingling It was magical, and it was dangerous. Frightening even.


	8. Wishing

**A/N: **So, this one is a bit different than the other chapters. At least I'd like to think so. And I'm proud of myself for finally making an image for this fic. I finally found the perfect cast for these lovely characters. I wanted him to be Jamie, a perfect mixture of Haley and Nathan, yet still looking all Scott-ish, you know in the way Nathan looked exactly like Dan in the first season (and all the others too). I wanted her to look a lot like Lucas, but still with some Karen-features, and I think I got them, finally! Tell me what you think by reviewing :D

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Drama. Teenage-drama. It wasn't exactly something new in Tree Hill, but it sure felt like it to Lily. It felt like no one had ever had to go through what she was going through. She knew that wasn't true, she was fully aware of all that the previous generation had gone through, and it was insane when she thought about it. Sure, she had already gone through a lot, but what was out there, what else was coming for her? She wondered if it wasn't enough already. Teenage-drama was something normal, she tried telling herself. Her and Jamie, that was a phase, or maybe something that would last forever, somehow. In a way, they were... they were more than that, the drama. They were meant to be, she felt it. But in another way, they were reflecting the past. Also, they were the opposite of the past. They were new, it was all new. She loved him, and she knew she couldn't, she shouldn't. Comparing it to the past, the way her brother had told her about it, she loved Jamie in a Peyton-Lucas way. At the moment, their relationship was messed up, in a Nathan-Peyton way, and she missed the way they had relied on each other, in a Lucas-Haley way. So they were original. Nothing like the past, yet everything like it.

He would show up, every night after practice, he would come knock cautiously on her door, they would hold each other like they always had, then they would fight, like they never had. They would fight about the littlest things, about the biggest things. About people. People they loved. They would fight about him, about how he was a completely different person in school. They would fight about him not wanting people to know. She didn't either, really, she knew they could never know, but it felt as if he was playing her. As if she wasn't good enough for him, at least not all of the time, only when it suited him. But she always got over that, at some point, every night. They made up, and went on with yelling at each other the next night. It was breaking the both of them, really, how they weren't the same people they had always been, the friends they had always been. How they went back and forth between best-friends, the perfect couple and the broken one.

There was a comfort in that knock, the way he forcelessly knocked three times on her door, every night at 8 pm. How it awoke her from her daydreaming, how it relieved her, knowing that he hadn't forgotten about her. He showed up, he always did. He still saved her, in an odd way, in a way which made her wonder how you could possibly save someone and throw them to the wolves at the same time. That was in fact what they were doing to each other, every night. Opening the door, she found him there, as always, smiling at the sight of her. Oh they both knew it, how they unintentionally broke themselves by keeping this up. But she did it anyway, she threw himself in his arms, like she always did, feeling happy for a moment, knowing what was coming. Knowing that they couldn't stand each other, that they would find the first possible reason to pick on the other, because they didn't have anyone else to take it out on.

She knew what it was, she had it all figured out. What really bothered them wasn't how he didn't pay enough attention to her, or how she threw little comments on how he was just like Nathan had been back then, or even worse, like Dan had been. What really bothered them was that it was impossible, the two of them. Their problem was how they couldn't walk down the halls of Tree Hill High holding hands, how they couldn't go to Tric and dance until the music stopped playing. How they couldn't sit by a table at Karen's Cafe, getting lost in each other's eyes. How they couldn't snuggle up in the couch in his house, in front of that ridiculously big TV. How they had to hide the fact that they couldn't get enough of each other. So Lily couldn't possibly imagine how someone ever had been in that situation before, she couldn't possibly see how anyone had problems as big as her, when she simply was being a normal teenager. One with problems, problems which would seem incredibly small in the future.

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There they sat, tangled up in her bed, both waiting for it, waiting for that small detail which would cause them to burst, going back to the yelling. However neither of them wanted that. The way they were wrapped up in closeness, simply watching a game on tv, breathing in the perfect mixture of her pineapple shampoo and his heavenly cologne. They fit together, in every way possible. She had never felt as complete, on every aspect, as when they had first made it all real. Either making the biggest mistake of their lives, or the best choice of their lives that night when Nathan and Haley were out of town. She still didn't know if it had been too right or too wrong, but it sure had felt right. It felt as if she would never want another boy, another man. The way he completed her, was all she would ever need.

"We shouldn't keep this up, Jamie," she mumbled calmly, breaking the silence which seemed to have lasted an eternity. Saying it made her want to cry, there was nothing she wanted more than this, this horribly dysfunctional excuse of a relationship which they were in. But she knew they couldn't have it, not without breaking others too. Breaking each other was bad enough, but his parents, her brother. It wasn't worth it, was it? It couldn't possibly be worth breaking the people the both of them loved. "Why do you always say that? You don't mean it Lils, you know you don't," he said, seemingly starting it by sounding awfully defensive. Was he defensive of them, not the two of them, but the 'us' they had become over the last couple of weeks? Perhaps he was just being defensive of himself? Of how much he wanted this.

"I do, I mean it. It's wrong, you know. We're hurting, I know I am. If they found out, Jamie, they would... it would ruin everything, and by that I don't mean us. It would break them. I can't do that," she continued, still not mad at him, just broken, sad. She was thinking, he wasn't. Usually, he was smart, he had inherited those brains from his mom, but he had a habit of not using them too much. He didn't seem to like thinking about things, he just did them. He just decided to do something, and did it, the way he had when he came back to her after that party. Maybe she was the one not thinking, she was the one who had started all of this in the first place. It might all be her fault. She thought of it like that, her fault. But deep inside she knew that she had nothing to do with the fact that the both of them had subconsciously started to grow feelings for each other. That wasn't their fault. It couldn't be anyone's fault. Still, it wasn't right.

"Well then I'll just leave," he said, more aggressively letting go of her and rising from the bed. He snapped easily, probably something he had inherited from his father, or maybe his grandfather. She hated how she thought like that, how she compared him to that murderer simply because she could. Because she needed to have something on him. "But you know what, Lily, don't expect me to come back. You're the one always fighting this, you're the one pushing me away," He was angry, again. She tried figuring out the reasons behind it. Why he got so angry, why she did. "Isn't that what I've been trying to tell you all along? I don't want you to come back, I don't need you to!" She was lying, they both knew it, how she screamed at him, telling lies to make herself feel better about the situation. And so he left, like always, hurt. Angry.

As they went to bed in different houses, different worlds, they both wondered what it would be like if they weren't Jamie and Lily. They wondered what if. What if they had been strangers? What if she had come to Tree Hill to live with some distant relative, not ever having heard of James Lucas Scott before, not having seen him. Not having known him since the day they were both born. Not being strangely related to him. What if they were strangers? Could they have loved each other effortlessly if they were strangers? They left each other strongly, yelling, slamming doors. They fell asleep weak, whimpering, wishing. Wishing they were strangers, wishing they were simply teenagers, with teenage-drama.


	9. Understanding

**A/N: **So here's a pretty much drama free chapter, just don't get too used to it! I'm trying with this story, I want it to be great, but I know it lacks a lot. However, please review, and let me know :P

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He came back to her, like he always did. Strong as the boy seemed to be, he didn't beg her forgiveness He didn't need to, neither did she. Strange as it was, the two of them went on with their lives as usual, pretending nothing had happened. Pretending they hadn't screamed at each other the day before, telling another that they didn't want to see them. This time, there didn't seem to be a fight. It wasn't even on it's way. Perhaps it was because of how tired the both of them were of fighting. Since they had never fought before this strange relationship had begun, they weren't used to it. They weren't used to spending so much energy on resenting each other. They weren't used to any of it really, not the part where they spent a whole lot of energy on worrying either.

That night, as they lay cuddled together like that first night when she had kissed him, simply looking at each other, or staring at each other really, it all changed - again. Lily had begun wondering a long time ago, how many times it could possibly changed. During the last couple of weeks their relationship had radically changed at least five times. They went from loving each other as best friends to hating each other, to completely falling for each other, over and over again. It seemed as if they couldn't make up their minds, they didn't know what to be, who to be. At least not when they were together.

"I love you," he mumbled, quietly, selfishly. No matter how moving the words were, they were selfish. Jamie saying that, even thinking of saying that, changed everything. It was some kind of confirmation. It took this thing between them from completely insignificant, perhaps not to the both of them at this point in their lives, but still insignificant, to something bigger than everything. Whatever they had shared was now something different, acknowledging it as love was.. it was life-changing really. For Lily anyhow. It wasn't something she had expected from Jamie, or at least not from James Lucas Scott. Not even as it was selfish of him, she had never expected him to say that.

She closed her eyes after staring at him for what felt like minutes, after his statement wondering what she was supposed to say, how she was supposed to answer to that. She felt it, she did, but saying it had a complete other significance. Hearing him say it had hit her like a pressure wave, striking her with all kinds of emotions. They had said it many times before, but not in this context, not meaning it the way he did now. Opening her eyes she found his blue Scott eyes still staring at her, with confusion and understanding in one look, it was that Jamie-look she hadn't seen up until a couple of weeks ago. That look, which meaning she hadn't figured out yet.

"I know," she whispered back, thinking that she might had figured out that look on his face. Maybe he already knew she meant it, but was confused and hurt by her not being able to say it. Maybe he wondered why he had said it in the first place. She wanted for him to regret it, he hadn't had any right to say those words, had he? Then again, maybe he did. Perhaps it would be easier for them to simply to the hardest thing, to admit it. Go with it. It sounded easy, but Lily was sure of how it wouldn't be easy. She knew it would be hard, close to impossible. They couldn't be together, in a way they weren't meant to be, in another they were the most perfect match possible.

* * *

He didn't seem very pleased with her reply, he might even had thought that she was cold, unemotional, but the truth was that the very much already broken-hearted girl was simply being cautious. She had gotten into the habit of not trying to care too much, not getting too involved. Since everybody she loved seemed to die, or leave her in another way, it didn't seem to be worth it. The girl was, however, well aware of the fact that it was already too late for that. She loved Jamie, she had loved him for a long time. Not in the way she did now, but he had always meant a great deal to her.

Burying her face in his shoulder, Lily Roe tried to figure out her own feelings. They weren't as clear as you would expect them to be. They were clouded, like trying to listen to music playing miles away, sound drowned by the wind. She couldn't really hear her own thoughts, only fragments of them. Maybe she was going crazy, that was the most likely option. Why else would she fall for such a shallow boy? Why else would she fall for the only boy she couldn't fall for? Why else would she feel like she was in love with James Lucas Scott? It wasn't fair, but at this point, the girl was well aware of the fact that life wasn't fair. It never was.

He was running his hand through her long hair, slowly, unsurely. Suddenly she felt guilty for blaming him for it all, for feeling it, for saying it. She realized she was hurting him, confusing him, with her silence. She wasn't fair, she might even be mean. She didn't mean to, however, she was trying to figure out what she could do about this, that would hurt as few people as possible. But she couldn't come to a conclusion. She couldn't think of anything to do, not after taking this so far. It was too late to stop it. Way too late. She couldn't stop herself from loving him, she wouldn't. She wouldn't stop to think of everyone else as she was hurting him. He was what mattered the most, and hurting him was the last thing she wanted to do.

"I love you too, Jamie. I shouldn't, but.. I do," she murmured into his shoulder, realizing then that she was crying, unaware of why. As the boy kissed her on the top of her head, she felt safe again. The kind of safe she had actually felt in the arms of her mother as she had gotten her heart broken for the first time. Perhaps he was the one to mend her heart as it had broken the second time. She couldn't help but to think that there was a point to all of this, there had to be. It couldn't be all for nothing. They couldn't be going through this for nothing.

"I knew you did," he said, quietly, smiling into her pineapple-shampoo hair. Maybe this was it, this could be the reward for all this drama, all this confusion and hardship. The reward was the moments of stillness, the moments of just Jamie and Lily, nothing else. When they could be just that, themselves, without the interference of the outside world, without having to be more. That was probably what made them feel so special around each other, there were no demands, no expectations.


	10. Resenting

**A/N:** Oh I know I know, I need something more to happen too, I just felt like I needed the Dan-chapter dealt with. ALSO I haven't figured out what to make of this story yet, so I'm definitely open for IDEAS! Review, tell me what you think, and what you want from this story, cause I know you're reading it ;) Thanks for doing so! :)

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They were screaming again, throwing things around them. Chairs, books, movies and lamps. It was all on the floor, in a big mess. So were the two of them, angry, resenting each other again. It was nothing like the day had begun, calmly, almost a bit sadly. That was in fact what had caused the fighting. She could always tell when something was wrong with him, in the same way he knew when something was up with her. Jamie had been way too absent-minded that morning, with obvious sadness in his eyes. Caring like the girl was, most of the time, she had been nagging him to tell her what was wrong for a long time, something she soon would regret as he told her how he for some reason had been reminded of his grandfather.

He had said it quietly, hoping she would at least try to understand that he missed the man, knowing she wouldn't. Knowing she would burst with anger. "You're sad over _Dan Scott_? Could you waste your energy on something less important?!" the girl had screamed out in pure hatred, absolutely despising the fact that Jamie had the slightest bit of adoration for the man who had killed her father. "Come on Lily, I wouldn't be here, dad wouldn't, if it weren't for him!" he had begun, defending himself, defending Dan. The man had meant a lot to him, and she couldn't possibly understand it. Even though he had died a long time ago, and she had barely met him, he was her lethal enemy for all she knew.

"He killed my dad, James! He had it coming, in fact.. someone should've shot the guy a lot sooner than it happened!" Letting out her anger, for practically everything really, putting it on him. The boy who was whining over his murderer of a grandfather as both her parents were dead. He didn't reply, and Lily supposed that he was either too angry or too sad to do so, and she simply couldn't stop herself as the subject they had avoided for years, finally had come up. "You do realize that I wouldn't be an _orphan_ if it weren't for that idiot?" The word simply came out, and although it was true, she had never thought of it in that way. She had never thought of herself like that.

It turned out they would never come to a solution, him screaming cause she couldn't understand, cause he needed to. Her screaming because she had never felt such hatred for someone, someone whom he had loved. A hatred which had grown stronger as she had lost her other parent. Him trying to explain how Dan had saved both his and his father's life. How he had changed, how he had done everything to do so. Her telling him that nothing he did would bring him back, her father, nothing he ever did would make her life any easier. That he could've saved the both of them even if he hadn't killed his brother. If he hadn't killed her father.

The huge fight, leaving her room in splatters, had ended in two teary-eyed teenagers, sitting in each end of the room, staring into thin air. She wondered if it ever would be good, if the two of them could possibly go back to the way they were, problem-free. They had never argued like this before, they had simply loved each other, in an easier way, in a friendly way, always being there for each other, but of course not needing it as much as they did now. All she really wanted now, well all she wanted which wasn't impossible, was having a normal relationship with him. Going back to normal.

* * *

"I'm sorry," she whispered, quietly, realizing she was always the one to apologize, if someone did. Jamie never did. He was never the one to admit he had been wrong, to tell her what he felt. He was quite secretive, even for her, the one who knew him the most. "I just can't stand it when you talk of him like.. I can't stand that you miss him, he doesn't deserve it," she added, quietly, thinking she was right in her statement. A man like that didn't deserve someone like Jamie actually missing him. It wasn't right. Nothing ever seemed to be right in Tree Hill, in their lives. It was always messed up.

He rose, still not saying a word, walking through the room to sit down close to her, put his arm around the crying girl. She knew he would never understand, at least she thought he couldn't. He had a kinda perfect life, and it wasn't fair, but she really didn't know. In fact, the two of them would never truly understand each other, because of how different they were. There wasn't really any way to solve it either, it would come up again, and they would hate each other, hate themselves for it. Wrapping her arms around his well built torso, leaning her head against his shoulder, Lily knew they couldn't be okay. That they probably wouldn't. They could never be like Peyton and Lucas, or Nathan and Haley. They couldn't even be like Lucas and Haley, the way they once had been. It was all messed up now, too late.

She would love him anyway, she decided, even if every day of their lives would be like this, she would get to spend those days with him. Even if the arguing took this kind of energy, she would get the good moments too, occasionally. It was a take it or leave it situation, and she decided to take it, with every bit of her heart, if she got the chance to do so. She couldn't live without him, and even if living with him would be hard, it was her best chance. She couldn't let that go, let him go. It wasn't like her to do that, and she wouldn't. She simply couldn't.

"We should tell them," she said under her breath, after a long time of silence, not sure if she meant what she was saying or not. "They will figure it out soon enough anyway, with the staying over, the laughing. The arguing. We need to tell them," she added, more sure that she meant it. They might as well tell them, right? He spoke, finally, breaking the silence with his hoarse voice. "Maybe we should just let them figure if out for themselves," he was practically whispering too, afraid to raise his voice after that last fight. Maybe he had a point, she wasn't sure. She wasn't sure of much lately, but it had seemed obvious that it was time to tell them. But when he had made his suggestion, it seemed easier, it seemed like they should just wait, like he said. Avoid as much drama as they could, since they had been through enough of that.

The girl nodded, wiping the tears off her cheeks as she moved and straddled him, sitting in his lap. Once again not able to look away from his blue eyes, that seemed more turquoise at the moment, she wrapped herself around him, holding him as close as she possibly could, wondering how she would ever be able to let go. "I do love you, Mr James," she whispered into his neck, allowing herself to fully let go of the grudge she held against him. Allowing herself to once again feel completely safe around him. To feel that there was no place better, warmer, more welcoming, than his embrace. She was sure he was telling himself the same thing.


End file.
